i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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