I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
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Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.