This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
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Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.