he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
