Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
