I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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