If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
