I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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