I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
