I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize