maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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