I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
