i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
