Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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