Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
