Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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