You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
