You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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