Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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