Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
