I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
