Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
