sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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