Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
