i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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