I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
