I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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