lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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