Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
