a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
