Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
