i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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