I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
