OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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