just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
