i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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