He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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