I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
