I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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