"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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