Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
