I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
