I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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