dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Text me some of your sweat
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
