I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
