I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
