the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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