Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Someone came in the potted fern
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
