hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
