my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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