Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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