He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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