Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
