i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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