I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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