I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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