I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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