Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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