I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
